And so, "the heck with dating," you say. If Mr. or Ms. Right is going to find me, he or she will have to find me in my life. And you are right. Searching for a partner -- be it Internet dating, personals, dating services, etc. -- rarely facilitates meeting Mr. or Ms. Right. And if it doesn't give you what you want, why bother, right? 

Hold on to your seat, because I am about to tell you why you should run, not walk, to your nearest mass dating opportunity if you are ever to me meet Mr. or Ms. Right. 

Mass dating for the purpose of this article is any venue offering you the opportunity to meet more than one person at a time, such as Internet dating sites, dating events, singles ads, etc. 

"Mass dating has sharpened my intuition," said Janet, a client of mine who values mass dating opportunities. "I can learn quickly whether or not someone is good for me, which means I don't have to date the wrong people for extended periods of time and then deal with a break up!" 

Mass dating should not be pursued with the goal of finding your Mr. or Ms. Right. But it does offer some other extremely valuable benefits. 

See who you attract.
One of the main reasons to do a lot of dating is to see who you attract. This is a great test of how close you are to meeting Mr. or Ms. Right. The people who will pick you out on a dating website, from an ad or in a crowded room full of singles, will remarkably resemble the types of people you will attract in a real life situation.
If you find you are attracting people who remind you of your past relationships or who are not a good match, take it as an opportunity to do some soul searching. Look into what in you is attracting incompatible mates. 

See who you are attracted to.
Mass dating is a great way to figure out who you are attracted to. Just because you're initially attracted to someone does not necessarily mean he or she is someone with whom you can build a good relationship. Mass dating allows you to discover patterns in your attraction, to see real live examples of your tendencies in relationships. 
Are you drawn to people who are unavailable, or are you drawn to people who deeply want a relationship? If it is the former, delve deeply into what attracts you to people who are not available. In this exploration, you will find the key to attracting the kind of mate you crave. 

Learn about yourself.
Mass dating is a great arena to learn about yourself. There is no greater power than knowledge. Armed with knowledge, you can choose to change behavior that does not serve you.
Learn how you behave when you first meet someone. Learn how you behave on a date. Learn how much or how little you reveal about yourself. Learn whether you are more interested in yourself or the other person. Learn what happens when you are attracted to someone. Then, transform what you don't like and what does not serve you. 

Get comfortable.
Not everyone is comfortable with dating. In fact, most people are uncomfortable, especially when they feel attracted to the person they are with. Mass dating is a great way to learn to get comfortable, which is a pretty important thing.
If you can be comfortable on a date, you can be keenly in touch with your feelings and can detect who you are on a date with. When calm, you can distinguish a person who wants a relationship from a person who will get close quickly but will burn out quickly. 

Practice setting boundaries.
Are you comfortable with gently setting boundaries? Are you comfortable saying yes or no to something, and feeling the conversation and the relationship can continue unharmed? Dating many people, many times, can train you to set boundaries in a firm yet gentle way.
Why are boundaries important? Boundaries show self-respect. Boundaries give you the safety to venture into a relationship and know you will take care of you no matter what. Date a lot, and practice setting boundaries without hurting or shocking people. 

Disprove your beliefs.
Here is a great way to use mass dating. Disprove whatever you believe about the opposite sex. Decide to attract, meet, and date people who are opposite or different from what you believe most of the opposite sex to be.
For example, if you believe most men cannot communicate deeply, decide to meet many men who yearn for deep, soulful conversations. Or if you believe most women have become hard and cutting, decide to meet many women who are gentle and loving.

If you do not meet people who disprove your beliefs, you are probably attached to the world being exactly how you think it is. Perhaps it is time to consider some radical actions to break up your belief systems. 

Get a sense of abundance of possibilities.
Many singles, busy in their professional lives and with their friends and families, feel a deep sense of scarcity regarding meeting a compatible mate. Mass dating is great for this sort of thing.
When you get out there with the purpose of dating on a wide scale, you start to see many other singles, available and interested in a relationship. Over time, if you continue to date, you will feel a sense of abundance. By seeing abundance, you can start to trust again that you will meet your Mr. or Ms. Right. 

Feel desirable.
It's not hard to feel wanted and desirable when you are not spending much time with the opposite sex. And feeling unwanted and undesirable dims your light, makes you less attractive, lowers your self-esteem, and perhaps even makes you want to hide. Not a great thing if you are ever to attract Mr. or Ms. Right.
If you get out there enough, you will attract many, many people who will be interested in dating you. It's a great tonic for your self esteem. 

Expand your community.
If you are to meet Mr. or Ms. Right, it is a good idea to widen your community. And if you are growing and changing, upgrading your community to match the new you is a great idea as well.
Mass dating could be just the thing for expanding your community. Approach dating as a way to meet new people and form relationships, instead of a way to form THE relationship. Many great friendships, business leads, and dating a friend of a friend have come out of mass dating. 

Have fun!
Dating is an adult playground. When you date, you go to nice places, listen to music, dance, go to plays, dinner, movies, etc. You engage in activities that most of us do not make much time for in our busy lives. 
If you are feeling a lack of fun in your life, go out and start dating and playing. It will make your life satisfaction quotient go up, and in turn, will make you very attractive to your Mr. or Ms. Right.

Mass dating, for the purpose of this article, encompasses dating services, singles' ads on the web and in newspapers and magazines, and other services and venues specifically designed for singles to meet and "find" each other.

As I said in last week's newsletter, while singles shouldn't initiate a mass dating campaign for the sole purpose of finding the right person, there are many great benefits in starting such an effort. 

But can and does mass dating lead to Mr. or Ms. Right? This is an interesting question, given that hundreds, if not thousands of web, newspaper, in-person, etc. dating services are betting on the fact that it can and does.

The truth is some people do meet their mates while mass dating. The question is, what distinguishes these people from millions of others who try and try, and yet fail to meet their mate the mass dating way.

I have a theory about why most singles fail to meet the right person on the Internet, through personal ads, dating services, etc. The person who is looking for a mate will not be able to find him or her.

Does that sound crazy, perhaps cruel, incomprehensible? And yet chances are you are single and have been looking for a mate, perhaps for a long time, and have not found him or her.

This is why finding your Mr. or Ms. Right by mass dating will almost always lead to failure. By nature of your participation, you are looking for a mate.

Then why do some people succeed at finding their mates in mass dating venues? A very small percentage of people just get lucky. But my hunch is that most of these people are successful because they are only trying mass dating for fun. They are not investing their hopes and dreams in the activity. Most likely these people
also have fulfilling lives, are happy, and have a great community with wonderful friends. They are more likely not even "looking" for a mate.

Do you want to be one of the people who gets lucky and meets a compatible mate while mass dating?   Here are the steps to follow:

1. First and most importantly, create a great life and a great community. Make sure your life is not a life that looks great on the outside, yet does not feel great. Make sure it is a truly wonderful life.

2. Then stop looking for a mate. One day, when you least expect it, you will meet someone nice. There will be a mutual interest in spending time together. You will start dating, having fun, getting to know each other. Eventually, you will discover that you have been spending time with your Mr. or Ms. Right all along.

3. Use mass dating for fun and learning only.  For ideas of what you can learn while mass dating, read last week's article at www.whatittakes.com/Archive/Newsletter80to89/newsletter__87.shtml

Later this week, look for a special edition of the Relationship
Coach Newsletter, full of mass dating resources.
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While it's possible to improve your ability to attract a partner or improve your current relationship just by reading this newsletter, you'll probably find it a bit easier and more
fun if you have me as your coach to help you along. Visit the Coaching Services section of our site now to find out more.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.WhatItTakes.com

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!" 
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